Familiar Heartache

The same wind is blowing once again,
The same fragrance in the air I feel,
My heart is beating with the same rhythm again,
Once again I am going head over my heel.

The same feeling of you near me,
And that dream of you in my life once more,
Of that love, who never even got a chance,
I hear him knocking once again at the door.

Is it for real or am I being fooled again?
By believing that, that love could ever be found,
But good thing is I know now;-even if my heart breaks,
No one will know again, as there will be no sound.

Changed Perceptions

Being an MBA I was always told not to generalize things based on couple of Incidents, but as judgmental as I am, I tend to form opinions very quickly.

Same was with Bangalore. I have had some bad experiences with Bangalore in Recent past and soon I formed an opinion. Bangalore is a city of rude, cheaters and cunning people who would go to any extent to squeeze extra money out of your pocket, specially if you are a north-Indian.

But a couple of days ago, a small incident changed everything. I was having an awful day, both personally and professionally, and while traveling back to my guest house, in my infy bus(btw those who are still unaware, I have joined Infosys Bangalore as a BA),I was completely lost in my thoughts. Then my stop came and I got off the bus. After around 5-6 mins, i realized that I have forgotten my expensive mobile set in the infy bus.

That was really the icing on the cake as far as my day was concerned, loosing a 16Ks mobile phone which i loved. I had no hope of getting it back, specially in Bangalore, but decided to call into my number.

Then someone answered on the other side. His name was Mr. Satish M.R. I told him that i have forgotten my cell in the bus. He told me not to worry about the cell as he is having it and he will return it to me at any time suitable to me. He also gave me his personal mobile number.Then he explained me the complete address, including land marks, about the place where he will get off from the bus. I took an auto to that place and called him again On his mobile. He was waiting for me there and came to me within 2-3 mins.

He seemed very simple and nice person. I told him that how much i appreciate what he has done for me, He replied by saying that there is no need to thank him and infact he is feeling sad that i had to travel so long to get back my mobile.

I then returned to my flat with a changed perception of this city forever. It was really nice to know that there are still people like Satish M.R. present in this seemingly materialistic and mean world.

Branded for life!!!

I very recently got a tattoo.Its a red coloured khanda(Sikh's religious symbol)which i got on my upper right arm.I wanted it for soo long but somehow always chickened out at the last moment.But during my second last week of my college life,i finally decided to go for it.

It hurted like hell during tattoo making and healing process,which btw lasted 15 days,but i am so glad i went for it.I had an awesom college life, both during my engineering days and specially during my MBA,and i just needed something to keep reminding me of the same.

I am now out of college and will face the real world(yeah..yeah..its a cliche).My life has already changed a lot and i know it will change,only time will tell if for better,but surely forever.Thats why this tattoo is so important for me,it will keep me reminding of the real me,even when i would be a 50 year old boring guy,that once i was young and energetic and rebel and probably stupid.

This tattoo also represents me.Altering body in any way(including getting tattoo) is forbidden in sikhism.And i got a tattoo of sikh religious symbol.So my tattoo is itself a big contradiction and i see my life,whenever i see my tattoo.

My life has been full of contradictions.I am an aithest sikh.I belong to one of the richest family but somehow hates spending money which i havent earned.I have had many flinges(and by many i really means many) but am still searching for a companion,a perfect love.I am one of the most outgoing guy of my college with a huge friend list but some how finds it difficult to fit into my local family friends group.And i can go on and on,on the same topic.

And this is exactly what a khanda in my arm represents.For people seeing it,it may be just a tattoo,a cool symbol of modernism,but for me it means a lot more.Its virtually my whole life story encripted in this 3x3 inch square of space.And all things said,one thing is for sure,i am surely branded for life.

Still there....

Still sometimes at my shadow, I gaze,
Still at times in tht darkness, I see her face,
Still walking all alone, on tht lonely way,
The same road which we travelled together someday,
Still I m lost....And perhaps tht would be my fate....
That I love that one ...whom I wanted to hate!!
Confused, Bedazzled, Berserk, and Battered...
Solemnity abound and completely shattered...
With words I play....
Still lost on my way...

Still searching for tht "someone",

Still waiting I am to meet her again...
Yes the very thought is a pleasure admist this pain
I hope not, for I've been hurt enough to hate you
I hope so, for I've earned the right to miss you
I hope not, for the venom is still lurking
I hope so, for the love is never fading...

Bus No: 524

Last week i went to pune to spend some time with my sis.While returning from there,i left the volvo at vashi(approx 5:30 pm) and decided to take the bus no:524 which drops me directly in front of IIT gate.

The frequency of that bus is very low and so i had to wait almost 40 mins for that bus.While waiting at the bus stand,i saw a woman.She was in her mid thirties,wearing a blue jeans and a read T-shirt.She was carrying a ladies purse and was looking like a working professional.

What attracted me towards her was her face.She was looking very depressed,with eyes full of tears almost on the verge of crying.We had an eye contact lasting for 3-4 sec then she looked away.She again looked at my eyes after 2-3 mins.I think she realised that i knew something wrong is going on in her life.

I initially thought about going to her and asking if everything is all right.But then i decided not to barge myself into someone elses private matter.And after about 15 mins,her mobile started ringing.

She took out the mobile from her purse,saw the number and turned the mobile into silent mode.And after 20-25 sec of thinking and just acting cool,she decided to accept the call.

When she started talking,she was on the verge of breaking down.She was talking with her head down looking at the ground.I have no idea what she was talking about or who was on the other side but after 4-5 min of talking,she suddenly started smiling.She then disconnected the phone,took out her hankerchief and wiped her eyes and face.

Then she stood up and looked at me with a smiling face but eyes full of tears.I also smiled back at her in a way feeling happy for whatever just happened to her.She then took the bus no:506(which btw was 4th bus of same number passed since last 20 mins) and dissappeared.

I sat at the bus stop waiting for my bus no:524,thinking about the possible reasons or problems which she might be facing in her life.I was also thinking about how i somehow felt that i knew so much about her without even talking to her.And after about 10 more mins,my bus no:524 finally arrived.

Now i don't believe in Love

I used to think that love is beautiful,
But after i found you,i thought it through,
Now i know though love can be attractive,
But it can never be as Magical as you.

I used to think that love is Angelic,
But after i found you,i thought it through,
Now i know though love can be unsullied,
But it can never be as seraphic as you.

I used to think that love is God,
But after i found you,i thought it through,
Now i know though love can give hope,
It can never be as Comforting as you.

I used to think that love is true,
But after i found you,i thought it through,
Now even i don't believe in love,
Because i have started believing in you.

A known stranger.

I met an old friend last week.I was meeting her after 12 years(well she thinks its 13 but i am sure its 12 :)).She was soon geting married.Although it was my idea to meet up for the lunch but i was myself not feeling like going,thinking it would be a boring get together with nothing common to talk.

But on contrary,i really had a nice time.You know whats good about meeting an old buddy who knows nothing(recent) about your life,you can share anything with her without having a guilt of sharing too much.I knew i would never meet her again in my life(or maybe for another 12 years) and probably she knew it too,so we both opened our hearts out to each other.

She told me some of her most personal secrets,fears,insecurities and many other aspects of her life.And after 4 hours of eating pizzas and 3 rounds of icecreams,I also didn't left anything unsaid about my last 12 years.

Its so amazing that you spend each day of your life with someone and yet are stranger to them whereas another person knows nothing about you yet seems to know you inside out.Even more amazing thing was that despite of not knowing anything about me,she gave me all the answers/reasons i was searching for soo long.And the most amazing part of all is,she gave me it in just one line.

After listening to me for almost half hour,she said: "I think the easiest way to loose something is to wan't it too badly".

And my mind went,woah at that very moment.Thats exactly the mantra of life,not to want something too badly so that you forgets the reason why you wanted it in the first place.After thinking it through many times,i think somewhere in my heart i already learned that thing but i guess she verbalized it in the best possible way.Thanks buddy for everything.And wish you a great life ahead :):)

And to all junta reading my blog,a very Happy diwali to you all :):)

God would have been an atheist.

Being born in a religious family,i was always taught to respect and believe in God.But since i started developing some sence of logic,i my belief system took a U-turn.I have been an aithest for almost 7 years now.Somehow this concept of GOD always seems greek to me.There are many reasons for the same...some of them are:

1)I have never got anything by praying,even if i pray a lot.My output always depended on my input,that is the hard work and dedication i put up in achieving my target.So why pray at all ???

2)When our holy books says that all things in our life are destined,so why pray at all.You will get what is written in your destiny without praying also.Also i remember when i was unable to crack one entrance exam long ago,a priest in a local temple told me that its destiny whereas i knew exactly where i did wrong(my lack of effort in one section of the exam).

3)If God created all of us,then why there are so many different Gods in many different religion,does God himself created another God???Who is the original God then???

4)If your answer to last question is: "There is one God who came in multiple forms at different times",then why the beliefs of most of the religions,mutually conflicting to each other???

5)Does it makes any sence that going to temple everyday,not eating non veg on certain days,and reading some holy book twice a day or week and keepin fast will actually make any possitive change in your life(well ofcourse except making you healthy in terms of low fat input and saving you from fast life outside the gurudwaras/temples etc.)

6)If God would have existed,then would He/She be an atheist or a believer.I mean will He/She wanted us to believe in Him/Her,build extra-expensive gurudwaras/temples for Him/Her and fight,kill or even hate other people if they attack our these place of worship.

My personal beliefs are these:
1)God is a concept rather than an entity.
2)There are certain things beyond our controls and is guided by some supreme power beyond us(so far)and we must learn to respect(and not worship) this supreme power.
3)I go to all worship places near my college campus,but only for peace of mind they provide me in this fast life of mine.
4)I consider my family and my work much above God.
5)Live life.....its more beautiful than God.

Life after Love !!!

Wrote this poem a long time ago.I donno why i suddenly felt like posting it on my blog.Its just four lines describing that period between lost-love and death.Some people also called this period as "life"(???).

And life went on without you,
Cursing me with each step,
And i kept losing till i had nothing to lose anymore,
And then life left me Like a fair-weather bitch.

Life is a binary tree.

Binary tree in computer science is defined as a tree structure in which each node have two childs-left and right and these childs again acts as a node.

I remember when this concept was being taught in my class,i faded out in my imagination and this time i was not,as usual,thinking about the girl i loved.This time i was thinking about my life.I found this concept of binary tree very similar how our life is.

At every node of our life,we have two CHOICES,left and right.I know many people thinks that life is a predefined path but i have a firm believe that life always gives you choices.You CHOOSE what you are and how you are.

And the final out come of where you have reached today,or how you are now or even what you did a second ago,depends on all the CHOICE you made in the past.Just one change in the decision and your life would have been entirely different to what it is now(something similar to the concept of parallel universes).

Life is all about CHOICES.This is the real mantra of life,CHOOSING the right things.Life does provides you all the opportunities to be anyone or anywhere you want.It ultimately depends on what you CHOOSE for yourself.

And its not always easy.Sometimes you do have to let go an immediate right(or left)node that you wan't and take not so attractive other node to ultimately reach your destination.Its all about optimizing your path.

Also,sometimes external circumstance forces you to take a node and let go the node that you actually wanted...i think we all must have gone through these phases in our life.And 3 years down the line,all you can do is sit near your lappy,listening to Floyd's "Whish you were here",and just wishing that you can go back in time and CHOOSE the other node this time.

On the other hand,life would be a boring bitch,if all decisions we made were the right ones.After all the best part of life is even if you took a wrong turn in past,there is still a long road with many CHOICES waiting for you in the future.And thats why life is always beautiful....sachhi :):):):)

My two cents on love.

Love....well i have been hearing this word a lot these days specially after posting my last poem.I even had few email exchanges with a blogging buddy(knownstranger) and chatted with few friends on same topic.So finally thought i should write what love actually means to me.

Well...my defination of love is not something what you hear everyday...its not even that idealistic or heavenly but based on my practical(what else can you expect from an IITian)observations and experiences.According to me,there is no one love,but a person falls in love hundreds of time in his entire life.Yes there is nothing like permanent love,which lasts forever.

So how do some people stays together and loves each other forever?
The trick to what we call true love is being able to fall for the same person again and again in your life.This is what differentiate true love from mere infatuations or crushes.

The sadest part is that most people take this form of attractions as true love and ends up commiting to a wrong person.And as a result,one day they wake up and realize that the love is suddenly gone and ends up hurting others and themself.Trust me you can fall for a wrong person once,twice or thrice but its impossible to fall for him/her again and again each and every time,every day of your life.For that you need someone special.

Now comming to the age old question...how do i know i am ready for a commitment??
Well Just take a look at that person,knowing all good and bad things about him/her and ask yourself,will i be able to fall for him/her again and again,each and everyday of my life or even for a large part of my life.Or even better,will he/she be able to make me fall for him/her everyday of my life.And your heart will know exactly what to do.

I remember watching a movie called "50 first dates" in which drew barrymore had a disease where she forgets Adam sandler every new day....and Adam sandler tries new things everyday just to make her fall for him again.It was so lovely.I Just wish all people of this world assumes that their soulmate has same disease and make him/her fall in love everyday,have every touch as first touch and every kiss as their first kiss.I know it sounds a bit tooo idealistic...but hey i am a dreamer :):):)

How i'll be seduced!!!

She may not have a deadly looks,
Not even a flamboyant style,
Nor a body like a model,
Or a monalisa like smile.

Nor a sophasticated dressing sence,
Or a taste of modern art,
But i'll still fall for her,
Yes she will take away my heart.

By flaunting what she'll have,
And with that my heart will be stoled,
With a ramp-model like flamboyance,
When she'll flash her beautiful soul.

A Salute to Mumbai

Of green, white and saffron,
You choose to paint me red.
And I stared into the dying eyes of,
Your sisters and brothers who bled.

But I wiped their tears,
And protected my child.
I gathered my pieces,
I have learnt to smile.

The cruelty and madness
Was visible all around
But yet we all saw,
The hope survived.

Broken and bruised,
But my spirit did not die.
The world moved on,
And so shall I.

Never felt more proud of being a part of this great city.Now someone try calling it the rudest city in the word.

It was really inhuman what happened on 11/7 but do remember our enemies are not Pakistanis or Osama or LeT....Its hatered.And if you feel hatered in your heart...its winning.Just give peace a chance.

An elated experience :)

Few days ago I went to this Buddhist monastery situated in a mountain near coorg. It was an amazing experience being there. Most part of the monastery was made of gold and was full of giant idols of lord Buddha in a massive room

Just being there makes one realize that how small entity we are in front of this massive universe. I was very much influenced by being there and since my return, I had been doing lots of reading about Buddhism. Some of the teachings of Buddhism, specially Zen Buddhism are amazing. I am now just waiting for my college to start so that I can get my hands onto some more books(from our library) on this subject.

It was definately an elated experience for me, may be just what i needed.Here are some of the quotes of zen buddhism that i liked.

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries.
Without them, humanity cannot survive.

Although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes, it obstructs your vision.

If you wish others to know about your good deeds,
they are not truly good deeds.

If you fear others will find out about your bad deeds,
those are truly bad deeds.

Even offering three hundred bowls of food three times a day does not match the spiritual merit gained in one moment of love.

By amending our mistakes, we get wisdom.
By defending our faults, we betray an unsound mind.

All happiness comes from the desire for others to be happy.
All misery comes from the desire for oneself to be happy.